Pizzat's Rants

limbo

2010-07-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

Twice bitten, thrice shy.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me thrice?

Not going to happen.

I don't believe you, not anymore, so go away.

I won't be fooled, I won't be fooled.

But life's a lot harder to live, exposed to this light.

And without this mirage, this desert bears no oasis.

To walk, to thirst, and never to quench.

Spiraling, down, out, out of control.

How did I get here?

And where do I go next?

Suggest

a destination.

2009-01-19T22:35:00.000-08:00

depressed.depressed?whywouldibedepressed.don'tlookatmei'mnotdepressedwhat'sthistears
butwhyit'snothingjustlikeeveryoneelseit'snottheendoftheworldwhathaveilostwhathave
idonewhatamidoingwhydoitryit'suselessafterallidon'tcareidon'twanttowhydididreamwhy
didihopethere'snothingouttherethatlightisanillusionforgetitdon'tbother
don'ttrydon'thopedon'twishdon't

of blindness and sight

2007-07-29T03:17:00.000-07:00

if i don't even matter, why did you have to lie?

if i don't even matter, can't you say it straight?

if i don't even matter, why do you bother?

if i don't even matter,

just stop this masquerade

it's tiring for you

and even more so for me.

---

what is your forever

is my eternal pain.

why have sight to see
when i could be blind to it all

why did i have to see the light

when it was darkness
destined for me?

sometimes

2007-07-25T05:50:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel like nobody.

sometimes i feel like no one really cares.

sometimes i feel that i'm alone.

sometimes i feel no love.

sometimes i feel like crying.

sometimes i think they're all lies.

all the time really.

but will i know the truth if i won't accept it?

am i rejecting what i shouldn't?

am i pushing away the truth?

should shut up.

2007-07-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

yea, i guess i really ought to keep my mouth shut.

everything i say just makes things worse.

the day i decided to wear my heart on my sleeve

all confused

2007-06-27T23:24:00.001-07:00

my mind's in a whirl.

i really have no idea what i should do.

smiling and crying at the same time is a really annoying thing.

smiling that you've found your happiness

crying that i've lost mine.

there's really nothing i can say.

you're the only one who stumps me at what to say

so much for my linguistic capabilities,

i can't express even a small bit of what i feel in my heart.

i just want to say,

be happy,

appreciate what you've got,

don't turn back,

because i can't bear to see you.

yay. emo again. again again?

2007-06-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

what can i do?

i don't know.

i don't know a lot of things.

why i post all this for instance.

is it for venting? is it in the hope someone in a similar situation will read? is it hoping you will?

i don't know, but i do know i always feel slightly better after putting things down in words.

i don't know why i talk to you.

every line is filled with irony.

every line makes me want to cry out.

but all i can do is bite my lip, and pretend.

speaking to you is a torture.

seeing your words is pain.

every line is about him, and every line is like a dagger thrust carelessly, unknowingly

cruelly.

i keep on wanting to tell you, but i know i can't.

there are so many reasons.

reasons far deeper and more complicated than anyone thinks.

i doubt anyone will understand until it has been said, and then, explained thoroughly several times.

the more i think about you.

the more reasons i find not to tell you.

and i just want you to be happy...

so i can't do a thing.

just as well i guess, another reason not to tell you how i feel.

i never understood the way love was portrayed, until i realised how illogical, how insane love is.

it's craziness.

it's masochism.

it's a paradox.

it's a fallacy.

and now i still don't know why i write these, if i can't even express enough in words, unable to find words to say what i mean, and what you mean to me.

O.o

2007-05-31T05:34:00.001-07:00

of the decisions i've made, none have i ever so strongly regretted.

i can hardly recall decisions i've regretted besides it.

it was foolish of me.

you never know how much it's worth to you until you lose it.

it could all be different perhaps.

just that one foolish choice.

i gave up happiness and contentment.

and all for what?

for something of little value.

for what i couldn't care less about anymore.

how can it compare to contentment and joy?

i gave up much more than just you.

a lot more.

i gave it all up like a fool.

i hope i never make a choice like that again.

but thanks to that choice, i don't even think i'll ever get the chance to get of such a crossroad appearing ever again.

cos i took the wrong turn.

---

time spent apart from you i consider wasted.

i dare not sleep, because i fear i might stop thinking about you, i fear i may not dream about you.

i dare not stop keeping watch, for i fear i might lose a single opportunity to speak to you.

i don't even need you to notice me to make my day magical.

just to know you're there.

maybe you didn't know, but i couldn't stop thinking of you.

maybe you didn't know because i didn't look at you much.

but that was because i feared you'd understand my feelings.

feelings i dare not face.

everytime there was a reason to, i would gaze at you intently, glad for a legitimate reason to look at you, believing the more intense my gaze, the longer the memory of it would last. i needed a reason to stare at you without inhibition or guilt.

guilt of feelings i dare not admit.

your voice, your laughter, it's like an eternal echo in my mind.

you made it all seem worth it.

you made me put in effort i never knew i was capable of.

when i could no longer find you, it all became meaningless, and i just gave up.

but i didn't give up on you.

i tried to forget it. i tried to give up, believe me.

but i failed.

i still don't know if i made the right choice then.

---

you say you can't stop thinking about him.

i wish i could tell you i can't stop thinking about you.

you say you can't help but miss him.

i wish i could tell you i can't stop but miss you.

you say he means a lot to you.

i wish i could tell you you mean everything to me.

i wish i could tell you a lot of things.

it's got nothing to do with plucking up the courage to do so.

if only it was that easy.

it's not the fear of rejection.

i can't say it because you might not understand.

maybe next time, but not now.

i just hope that time will come.

and by that time, it won't be too late.

pain la

2007-05-26T07:24:00.001-07:00

you're hurting me, but i guess it's not your fault.

you wouldn't know, and i wouldn't want you to know.

yea, i guess i'm just screwing myself over.

it's contradictory, i'm happy to see you happy, but i'm also hurting when i see you happy. err.... nvm.

---

Love's not a feeling, cos feelings may change and fade.

Love's not a choice, cos they're not always right.

Love's a commitment, a promise of the soul,

With that comes the rest.

Till death do us part, that's the essence of the whole.

---

okay, no idea where that came from. i think it was from my dad telling me love consisted of the heart (emotion), the head (choice), and the soul (commitment). love consists of ALL of the above, but basically the commitment part is the foundation and stuff. it's the most impt bit, cos even people who really love each other can end up being annoyed at each other and stuff, then, it's the choice and commitment that gets em to make up again. but sometimes, you're just tired, and you choose not to care. then that's where the commitment comes in. it's a promise. and in marriage at least, a covenant with god. at least, that's how i remember. i just rmb tt it's heart mind and soul, tho i think i sorta forgot how to explain the mind part...

---

i think this is the shortest emo post yet. O_o

emo-ing AGAIN

2007-05-19T07:29:00.001-07:00

okay, not technically a rant, but it's emo-ing. so i guess it should go here.

ppl asked me to cheer up, and i've been trying.

i really have.

i was... relatively okay.

then you cheered me up.

i know you meant well....

but it just opened up the wounds again.

i just wish i could tell you everything.

all that time you were trying to cheer me up, i was trying to, but the... irony of it all... it was too much i guess.

but i can't do anything about it can i?

why can't i cheer up? ionno.

i guess what is your greatest joy can also be your greatest pain.

don't put yout eggs all in one basket?

people do it all the time.

it's called, agape.

giving all, expecting nothing in return, and somehow...

somehow deriving joy.

it's hard to love someone, and not be loved in return.

harder to love someone and see them love someone else.

but the hardest thing to do is love someone and watch them cry for another person.

i hate how it all worked out.

it just... sneaked onto me.

i wasn't prepared.

it just happened.

it's not even a matter of getting the courage to tell you.

it's that even then, it's still impossible.

i've been waiting for years, and i know i'll still wait many more.

waiting for the day, hoping that somehow, god will find a way.

till then i just have to trust, pray, and love.

it hurts, but at least the pain testifies to its truth and intensity.

i don't know what i want. to wake and find it was all a dream, or press on.

it's a strange thing.

am i deluded?

zomg my dark side.

2007-05-17T00:56:00.000-07:00

yes, i have secrets too. =O

it's a rant blog after all, and i believe i'm entitled to yell and bitch to an empty house.

this blog is empty... not so much that i have nothing to rant about, but so much to rant about and so little time.

maybe that's why i dun appear to be a pissed, emo, depressed guy in person. not much at all.

prolly cos i just dun care.

i've always been apathetic to emotions. i've always thought of them as retarded, and hell, they are.

emotions never make sense, they're absolutely useless and function little more than a nice fat stumbling block in your path.

hell, i wish i could do without them.

but NOOO. emotions just have to come looking for me!

the more i push them away, the more they come back, faster, stronger...

people think they live a lie, they think they're in ultimate turmoil, damned emos.

they think they have it bad. hell.

there's always someone out there that has it worse.

i might be a pissed emo dude on the inside, but what the hell, at least i dun go all, omg omg i'm so sad, no one's sadder than me, everyone hates me nobody loves me! etc etc.

heck, most of those ppl prolly dun know they're hurting the very same people that care about them, but anyway, do they care? no! of course not! wallow in self-pity! bitch to me! take it out on me! and of course, nice guy me has no choice but to try some way to make them feel better.

hell, everyone thinks i'm a crazy guy. some guy who can take all sorts of verbal and physical abuse and come out of it laughing. i try to never let how i feel get the better of me, but people just love playing on that.

hey! let's go whack abel! cos i FEEL like it!

hey! let's go hurl a couple of insults at abel! i FEEL like it!

hey! let's go steal abel's stuff! cos i WANT TO!

hey! let's just screw up abel's day! i LIKE IT THAT WAY!

what the hell.

it's like, i'm some kind of sucker who just takes what you throw at me, laughs, jokes, and takes some more.

wtf do you think i am? your emotional dustbin? your punching bag? your nice little floormat to wipe your filthy feet on?

heck, ppl prolly dun think i even care, an image which i try to keep up.

what's the point of living life sulky and pissed. i'd rather laugh and joke, and smile at anything. be that ray of sunshine so many people desperately need.

but that's what they do to all rays of sunshine innit?

hey look! it's some missionary preaching to us tribal people! let's kill him!

hey look it's jesus! let's nail him on the cross!

not elevating myself to that kind of status. i'm not that noble.

but i think you get the point, when there's a nice guy, people just love abusing em.

i don't even know why i stomach this abuse!

and you, i hate you, really.

you wouldn't know of course, just like you don't know how much i care about you.

but of course, it doesn't matter to you does it?

heck, I don't matter to you do i?

i don't know why i put up with your whining. anyone ELSE and i would have gone flamer mode.

i don't know why i try to be nice knowing it'll go unappreciated.

i don't know why i delude myself into thinking you care about me, when you really don't.

i don't know who you're going to, i don't understand why some people get all the luck.

i don't understand why no one cares how i feel.

no one ever bothers. everyone just assumes that i'm in my happy shiny mood.

yes, my very successful facade has become a bit TOO successful.

are you guys so naive? do you really think a person can just endure what this crappy mortal coil throws at him, and what YOU have to throw at him too? do you think he has enough emotional stability to keep up what he does and COMFORT YOU at the same time?

and a few of you too!

what, i'm supposed to FORGIVE YOU?

well i did. and what do i get? more shit.

i'm nice to you, i helped you when everyone else didn't want to. heck, people want me! i could easily go help out other ppl! i dun have to waste my time on you, you loser.

what do i get? backstabbed.

you're like a pain in the ass, jammed in at high speed.

hell, you're prolly going around being your usual assholic self, pissing off all whom you come in contact with.

i haven't even scratched the surface of what i want to bitch about, and my fingers are getting lethargic. why? i don't even know myself.

i don't want to let you go, but i don't want to hold you back either.

i just want you to be happy, but you wouldn't know, and you wouldn't care.

all that matters to you after all, is someone else.

i don't even know who i'm supposed to be fighting against, though of course stupid me is doing the reverse.

i'm just gonna hope you're happy. as usual.

and be my happy, aloof self. as usual.

lying to myself like i do everyday.

pity i'm a bad liar.

First Post

2007-04-24T04:05:00.001-07:00

Test.